Who Am I?
Written by Anika Nambisan, Grade 9
Illustration by Katherine Chui
To all the people who feel the need to be something for someone else.
As I look in the mirror,
My reflection gazes back,
But what are my looks if they mean nothing?
I dig deeper into the mirror,
My pupils dilating,
As I try to find who I really am.
My hair black,
My eyes a chocolate brown,
My skin a sponge to the sun,
My melanin is surely strong.
But those traits do not make me,
But those traits are superficial,
But why do they mean so much?
I wished my hair was blonder,
My voice softer,
My skin clearer,
My walk filled with grace
I wish to be someone I am not,
Shorter,
Taller,
Rounder,
Slimmer,
Thicker,
When I dream adjust the things I don’t like,
The thickness of my eyebrows,
The pigment of my skin,
I change it all,
Until I realize,
I kind of like who I am.
I changed it,
Not for me,
But for the world,
To be accepted,
To be praised,
To be liked,
And with all that in mind,
It makes me think,
If I have changed myself so much,
For society to like me,
Who am I really?
Am I nice?
Am I kind?
Or have I become the person I hate,
Should I change myself?
Or is it too late?
My characteristics or my looks,
Perhaps I am waiting for my dream transformation,
Alas that only happens in books,
Maybe if I close my eyes,
I will have more friends than I can imagine,
I will be taller and stronger,
A better athlete,
Maybe sweeter,
Less sour,
But all my imagining has done,
Is making me cry.
When the tears pool at the floor,
I just wish I had to no longer,
Think about what I looked like,
I hate it all down to my drab eyes,
My body makes me cry.
Should I apologize?
To the people I’ve hurt,
I’m sorry I made you cry.
I think I’m mean,
I think I’m nice,
It’s just a perception,
A looking glass,
An illusion,
But it has be twisted,
I do not have a grip on this,
My child twisted fantasies,
Have me ruining the reality,
As the tears stream down my cheeks,
I wonder if they even notice me,
Why do I hate me?
How can I change me?
Why do I want to kill the voice inside of me,
To shut it out desperately,
It tells me,
If I give you a look inside of me,
Would you agree?
I’m not good enough,
Not tall enough,
Not pretty enough,
To be standing next to the people I am today.
With my perception of reality,
Will this be a question for eternity,
Until I find who I want to be,
But until then,
Who am I really?